For individuals that love and adore each other, marriage is the most exciting aspect that they readily embrace. Whether they do it through come-we-stay or official weddings, marriage is meant to enhance the bond and connection that the couples share even as they seek to collaboratively confront different aspects of life. Unfortunately, even love marriages can experiences bad moments and if the storms are not calmed, they can lead to divorce or separation.
What is Invisible Divorce?
Traditionally, people expect divorces to be characterized by heated arguments, shouting and emotional outbursts between couples. Such behavior might emerge when one partner discovers that the other is engaged in infidelity or when there is a feeling of inadequacy. However, there is one aspect of divorce that has been present for several decades but is trending today; invisible divorce. Also referred to as silent or quiet divorce, invisible divorce is described as situation where married couples live in the same house but they do not share any emotional connection.
Speaking to CNN, Stephanie Moir, a licensed mental health expert based in Florida noted that “A silent divorce is when you’re not legally separated, but you’re definitely emotionally, mentally and almost to a certain point physically removed, too, from your spouse.” According to Karen Covy, a divorce coach, lawyer, mediator, and author, couples in an invisible divorce lack intimacy, shared goals, connection, sex and in some cases, they may have fallen out of love. These important aspects that define marriage may be missing but the couples continue staying together more like roommates as opposed to romantic partners. The couples no longer engage in meaningful conversations, or shared experiences.
However, for people watching from outside, the couple appears to be in a perfect marriage. This may be the case because such couples go out together, they never engage in any form of argument or fights and there are chances that they may even go out on vacations with their children. Although people may see arguments or fights in marriage as signs of an unhealthy romantic relationship, experts consider such aspects signs that the couple care for their relationships. Justin Ho, a licensed professional counselor based in Georgia revealed that fighting in marriage is a reflection that the couple is in disagreement, they are not on the same page and they are not seeing eye to eye, but are trying to assist each other realize the problem. Consequently, when arguments are replaced with silence and contempt, as is the case in invisible divorce, then that is a clear indication of a rocky marriage, one that is on its deathbed.
Why The Phenomenon?
Although there is no data to show the prevalence of invisible divorce in society, Karen Covy reveals that anecdotal estimates indicate that invisible divorce exists in at least 15-20% of marriages. Generally, invisible divorce is maintained due to several factors including financial and cultural impact. For instance, some individuals, especially women stay in such marriages because they do not have enough capacity of supporting themselves financially. Furthermore, some fear the financial cost of divorce due to the legal costs and starting to pay for mortgage.
Some cultures such as those in some Asian, African and Arab countries where arranged marriages are common and divorce is frowned upon make the couple fear to go separate ways because they worry about what people are likely to say about them. In cases where children are in the picture, some couples prefer sticking together for the sake of their children because they fear that separation is likely to have a significant impact on the wellbeing of the children.
Is Invisible Divorce Worth It?
Whatever reasons that a couple may have for maintaining their marriage despite the existing signs of its end, invisible divorce has a significant impact on each partner. The silence that characterizes the relationship becomes emotionally suffocating for the couple although they cannot admit it to each other. What ought to be a beautiful heaven for the couple becomes a prison where the couple is trapped for convenience. Even when the couple is together, each individual feels lonely and invisible and tired because keeping up the façade of a happy marriage drains away one’s energy. Invisible divorce robs some partners the chance to explore viable opportunities for employment, investment, entrepreneurship, or self-growth. Consequently, one stagnates in their current position for fear of being criticized by their partner.
Coping With Invisible Marriage
According to Cayla Gensler, a licensed couples’ therapist, the following strategies can be adopted to cope with invisible divorce:
Open Expression of One's Feelings
However uncomfortable it may feel, it is essential to initiate an open and honest conversation with one’s partner. A conversation in which one shares their emotional feelings makes it easier for the partner to understand the other’s point of view and establish whether it is possible to rebuild the relationship.
Embracing Self-Care
Each partner in a marriage must learn to take care of their physical, mental and emotional well-being. By so doing, it will become easier to not only cope with the situation at hand, but also establish a sense of stability throughout the period. One can participate in their most preferred hobbies, engage in exercises or relaxation activities including yoga and meditation.
Venturing into Activities that Promote Self-Growth
Even after getting married, each partner should be focused on establishing the best ways to achieve self-growth. This can be done through career advancements, and pursuing of one’s self interests. Such ventures not only contribute to one’s sense of fulfilment, but they can also offer a better opportunity to move forward even when the relationship breaks and each partner decides to go their separate ways.
Seeking Services of A Marriage Counselor or Therapist
Services of a therapist can play a significant role in a couple’s relationship. Through therapy services, a couple can learn to initiate an open conversation and use the platform to address any unresolved issues in their relationship. By so doing, there are higher chances of rekindling the emotional bond that was once shared between the involved couple.